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Worries

Lately, I've been wondering if what I want to do with my life is really right for me. I want to be a writer, I always believed that that was what I was meant to be, but when I take the time and think about it all the passion and love I had for writing seems to have disappeared. When I was in elementary and middle school I was constantly writing-I have a whole bin full of unfinished work from that period in my life- but now I can't write at all. All the drive and devotion I had for it is gone. I can't write anymore and that scares me more then anything. Worst of all though it makes me wonder if I will ever get anywhere without it; writing was the only thing I felt I was good at and now that I'm in the world faced with people who are far better at it then I am all the confidence I had in my craft is gone. I have no clue what I want to do now or whether it's even worth it.

Writing isn't the only thing on my mind lately. College is looming closer and closer and each time I think about I get the feeling like I'm going to fail. I haven't done anything for it yet, no scholarships done, my essays are only half finished and I haven't even started on applications. I want to go to college but when I can barely keep up in high school I wonder how I'll manage in college? I am so backlogged on work for my classes it's ridiculous. Sometimes I just want a sign that everything will be alright; that all my horrible actions won't come and bite me in the ass at the worst possible time and destroy my future.

These worries keep me up at night and when I try to forget about them and focus on mindless tasks I just make it worse for myself. A friend told me today that because I don't like to think about them I don't do anything to fix them and it terrifies and makes me feel so ashamed and guilty for how true it is. I hate feeling like this and I question if there is something truly wrong with me. No one else has these fears and problems and maybe I'm just too stupid or lazy or awful for anyone else to feel like this. I just want to get past this already but I don't know how.